Right now

I don’t care which you was true

I don’t care which you is true

I don’t care if you’re scared of me,

or if you secretly love me (a la Mike which you couldn’t even manage to bring yourself to simply confirm or deny), or if you’re sick of me

I don’t care if you idolize me

I don’t care if you have lust for me

I don’t care if you want to own me, or if you think you want to help me

I don’t care if you’re trying to protect me from yourself

I don’t care which of your jobs was/is true

I don’t care what you learned, if anything

I don’t care if you liked any of my poetry, prose, or music or screening selections

I don’t care what you saw in me

I don’t care how complex you are

I don’t care how much fun you had, or will have

I don’t care about any of the criticisms you’ve given me about myself and my appearance*

I don’t care how many other women you’ve plowed through this whole time

I don’t care what lies you’ve probably told your friends and family and lovers about me

I don’t care how exciting the rest of your life is

I don’t care if you really are trying to be a better person

I don’t care about any of it

Because

you put me in a prison

of silence and distance and manipulation and lies and neglect, you withheld your truth and your love, knowing how especially painful that is for people like me

(although there’s no one like me

for better or worse)

and that

was and is

monstrous

behavior

and you’re done doing that to me

you rat bastard

*i.e. being volun-told to shave my pubic hair completely off, like a porn actress or an aspiring one, and to even let you be the one to do it- ‘cleaner’ is not true for women’s pubic hair, look it up- we need it to help protect against uti’s since the female urethra is ridiculously short, a design flaw so dumb that one could even use it to argue against intelligent design. I wish men would quit expecting the women in their sexual lives to conform so completely to porn appearance and behavior standards, it’s another way to subjugate half the global population- as if they haven’t done enough of that for thousands of years, thinking nobody else can do anything better than they can, or know more than they do. But no, they don’t care about the pain, the damage the shame the discomfort they cause, any of it. “Look like this, and do that.” I’m sexually submissive but I never asked to be controlled, used, critiqued, lied to thousands of times through words, lack of words, or actions, or lack of actions, every single one of these days.

Your sexual tastes turned me on but they’re also driven mostly by misogyny or damaged behavior and some of that got dark. It wasn’t consensual enough for me sometimes- at times I froze and couldn’t say to stop even though I wanted that- fight, flight, or freeze- and you didn’t broach the subject of safe words- why? Like I’ll ever fucking know. Anyway, in my experience sex with you was absolutely electrifying, like never before, with or without extra ‘play’ of any kind- in fact, the intimate honesty and vulnerability and purity of that intense bond- that channeling, that exchange and melding of our two selves without any additives was the better, more intensely enjoyable, more fulfilling experience, to me.

I don’t know about what you thought of sex with me, except that you were attracted to me and must have enjoyed something about it.

You never communicated directly and honestly with me, you see. Ever. And it looks like you won’t, for what-the-fuck-ever reasons- like I said I don’t care, because no reason was good enough to justify that.

That’s a major fuckup right there at the roots of all this shit (along with your suspicious, paranoid over-strategizing, and trying to control everything). Who knows- it might be the Goddamn taproot.

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