Hang On a Sec
“…and there you led me on”??
Try turning your page upside down or flipping it or rotating it or something, because it looks like you’ve got it backwards.
I’ll give it to you in Shatner. Dear love: You. Are the one who led Me. On.
Yeah, turns out after that gesture of yours I’ve got a little more to say to you. Yes, you- Always, from the moment this began I started falling into a trap, while I thought I was just falling in love with you.
Again, it is quite clear that I fell in love with a severely emotionally impaired person whose interpersonal successes are based entirely on putting up a facade of lies and half-truths. A coward to the bone.
Hell, the space between us is strewn, littered, brimming with examples like this. After being expected to accept several dumpsters full of empty promises, half-truths, embellishments, general bullshittery, flat-out lies, manipulative tactics, half-written/half-plagiarized poems, and verbal lecture/mansplains from you…after me being on the receiving end of all that, but still thinking there may be a shred of decency or love in there…this is all you can manage. This is it, this is all you can say or do. Cut/paste this mediocre song with a lie in it. Mostly about wanting to see me after you die, seemingly? Songs can be conveniently subjective. (As he loves to do, he also got to trot out the whole We Die Alone thing. Like a garnish, a sprig of parsley. Beyond belief.)
Just like before, you did it again. That significant lyric is not true and you damn well know it, hypocrite. So you can keep that song, because it’s laced with your venom. Go project your dumbass shit on her and see if she puts up with that. If she doesn’t, she better rethink what the hell she’s doing with you, and you with her. Because I saw, felt, and witnessed no love between you two, from either person for the other. Infuriatingly sad, and a waste. Of everything.
But what did I expect? Actual language? Thoughts and feelings expressed in words? Anything not deniably coded, disguised? The basic decency of speaking/writing/communicating honestly to another human being that you’ve grievously wronged?
What- you mean him…actually Talking to me? Ha! Yeah, no, he’s not up to that. Because he would have to do something he’s too scared or unable to do. He can’t admit any wrongdoing, ever. No criticism, no rebuttals allowed, no accountability, no conversation; he’s too scared. Too scared in person to do anything but lie and blow smoke, too scared at a distance to even write a fucking email to explain or heaven forbid apologize, or text, or write an actual letter a la Griffin & Sabine…not even that?? (Dang, too lazy to even show off anymore wtf.)
In other news, I can report that ‘trauma bonding’ is a goddamn bitch to deal with. Can confirm. Thanks so much. Getting to the other side of this the best I can. Yes, there’s still love in here too- people can and do feel more than one feeling at a time. It’s another thing pathological narcissists have trouble with- things like being able to remember a person’s complexities and strengths while being angry with them for their actions. Look into it. In addition to the whole empathy thing.
I guess you have to lie because your truth is that untenable to you.
It’s like he could have been something along the lines of one of those MK ULTRA creeps, if he’d been born in a different time- someone in that old Sid Gottlieb’s thrall- someone willing to ruin a family like Frank Olsen’s for experiments like those they got up to. Because they just don’t/can’t care.
Who knows how you feel reading this- you certainly won’t tell me. Maybe you tend to have difficulty accessing your feelings, though. If you feel like getting on your new motorcycle and coming over here to give me a piece of your mind, go ahead. Seriously, we’d both probably have a whole lot of fucking fun. It’s just that it’ll be so hard to control my urge to slap the shit out of you again. But who knows, maybe you’ll be in the mood for it.
P.S. this year’s violet, daffodil, and dandelion season, always one of my favorite times of the year, is poignant and bittersweet this time around. So close to early April, so close to the day we met. Oh my life, what a Raw Goddamn Deal.