For a long time now, I’ll occasionally get the feeling that what I should really do is quit the stressful job, sell, and do what I probably should have been doing all along: move back home and take care of my aging parents from here on in. My mom misses me a lot, and dealing with my dad’s worsening dementia 24/7 drives her nuts. I feel guilty about it. I never even picked this place out- I followed my then-boyfriend out here after college, and wound up working day jobs to do the lion’s share of supporting the two of us. I almost moved out of town months ago, instead of buying this place.
But I don’t Want to move back home. It won’t be much healthier for me to be down there. It feels more like looming destiny, something I should be doing instead. Instead of what I want to do. And in all my surroundings I keep seeing the landscape of an older life that burned out. I don’t have nearly as much energy or will anymore to keep treading water and getting through every day slashing at creeping anxiety and depression up here alone.
If I moved back home, maybe at least I won’t worry about them as much. My mother would be so ecstatic at the prospect of having me in the house, and she deserves anything good. The pressure and stress of work vs that of living with them again…it’s hard to tell what would be more stressful.
fuck, I don’t know-